


Once I Was Seven Years Old...

by JustAnAnxiousKid



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alana tries, Divorce, Gen, I blame my friend for telling me venting through fan fiction was a good idea, I crave Jared being a good friend, I dunno I’m used to it, I guess it’s sad, Jared becomes an ass eventually though, Jared has nice moms, Kind of sad?, Nice Jared Kleinman, So I started writing the tags before I finished writing the story, This is me projecting, Why do I do this to myself, Zoe and Connor are only mentioned, and I’m currently writing the tree scene at the end, and ouch, but Evan doesn’t know how to communicate his feelings, it’s basically how my parents divorce went, only difference was I was nine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-07-11
Packaged: 2019-06-08 15:33:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15246405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAnAnxiousKid/pseuds/JustAnAnxiousKid
Summary: “Once I was seven years old my momma told me, go make yourself some friends or you’ll be lonely. Once I was seven years old...”The musical only gives us one piece of Evans life before his senior year of high school; when he was 7 years old, his dad pulls up in a U-Haul truck before leaving for Colorado. But what about the 10 years in between?





	Once I Was Seven Years Old...

**Author's Note:**

> This is literally how my parents divorce went except I kept out the messy arguing between Evan’s parents because that would be a bit much. Also, my dad did end up coming back?? Which, much appreciated, Richard.  
> I kind of wanted to play with Evans character a bit and explore different situations before high school. Some of it is based off of my own personal expierences, but I changed the reactions to the situations to fit Evan better.  
> Also, I feel like I should clear up that I imagine Evan’s birthday being sometime in early spring? He would’ve turned eight between the time he found out about his parents divorce and when his dad left, so that’s why he’s turning 9 later on instead of 8.

Sitting down on the living room couch, Evan looked at both of his parents. His dad looked uncomfortable and his mom looked upset. He never liked when mommy was upset, and she always said a hug helped. Snuggling up to her side, he smiled and hugged her as best as he could.

  
“Ev, bud, have you ever heard of a divorce?” he heard his dad ask. He looked up at the ceiling, trying to think about it. After a couple of seconds, he shook his head, looking at his dad.

  
“Is it fun?” he asked. His dad shook his head, looking down at his lap.

  
That night had been filled with tears that Evan didn’t understand. He didn’t understand why his dad would want to leave them. Was it because of him? Had he done something wrong? He must’ve if daddy wanted to leave him and mommy behind, it was the only thing that made sense. That night, when his dad tucked him into bed, the words spilled out before he could stop them.

  
“Will you and mommy still be friends?”

  
His dad looked at him quietly, his expression unreadable. Evan looked down at his lap, mumbling out a small apology. Slowly, his dad sat on the end on his bed, his head in his hands.

  
“It’s... complicated,” he responded.

  
Four months later, and here he was, staring out his window at the big truck. His mom told him to stay inside, and he wanted to listen! Then he would probably get to go apple picking at the big orchard with all the cool trees. Yet once he saw his dad step out of the truck, he ran outside as fast as he little legs could go. He smiled, jumping into his dads outstretched arms and laughing happily.

  
“Daddy, Daddy, guess what?!”

  
“What’s that, buddy?”

  
“I got a 100 on my science test! Mrs. Christy said it was the best grade in the whole class! I got a sticker and everything!”

  
His dad spun him in the air, congratulating him on the grade. He always loved times like this. The times where he got to tell his mom or dad about something he did and it made them smile. When his dad finished spinning him around, he climbed onto his back and beamed at his mom. She gave him more of a reserved smile, waving at him. He waved back happily, playing with the collar of his dad's shirt. He tapped his dad's shoulder gently, looking at the truck.

  
“Can I ride in it?” he asked curiously. His dad looked to his mom who nodded a bit in response, avoiding eye contact. Opening the door, he was set down in the driver's seat. He stood, looking out the windshield. He gripped the wheel, pushing down so the horn would beep. He snorted at the noise, doing it again. His dad told him he was going inside to get some stuff, so he waited in the front while he mom stood next to the door to make sure he didn’t fall.

  
“Evan, honey, I told you to stay inside” she said when his dad was out of earshot. He shrugged, spinning the wheel as best as he could with his little hands.

  
“I saw daddy and I wanted to say hi,” he explained, plopping down so he was sitting. He kicked his feet while he sat, pointing to the trees in the yard. Whenever he was bored, he would tell his mom about the different kinds of trees in the front of the house. They had a small garden, inside of it a big walnut tree in the middle. Directly in front of the house they had multiple small evergreens, and towards the sidewalk a giant red maple wood. On the far left side of the yard, right on the border, they had planted a crab apple tree. They never ate the apples, it was more of something that they could watch grow over the years. His mom had told him it was planted when he was born, that way, when they were old, they could look back at it and smile. He had always liked that fact.

  
Eventually, his dad walked out of the house with multiple boxes set at the door. He opened the back of the truck, bringing them over one by one. He watched for a while, looking over to his mom with pleading eyes. She sighed and nodded, helping him out of the front so he could go over and grab a box. He grabbed a small one, taking it over to the back and trying to climb inside. When he got in, he smiled at his dad, handing him the box. They continued like that, working together for about half an hour until everything was in the trunk. He tried to pull him inside for dinner, but his dad shook his head and told him he had to go. He kissed his head, telling him to make sure to take care of his mom and promising to send cards all the time. He watched as his dad backed out of the driveway, pulling out onto the street and driving away.

  
Evan and his mom had ended up eating dinner on the couch.

  
One time, when he was four, he saw his mom crying. It was after his grandfather had died, and he wanted to hug her so she would smile. That night, his dad had sat him down and told him that sometimes people needed to cry so they could express their feelings. Evan was never good at knowing when he needed to let someone cry, but after dinner when his mom was hugging him close, he knew he felt a tear drop fall onto his shoulder. He thought back to that night in his bedroom and he stayed close to his mom and let her cry.

  
Later, he let his mom carry him to her room to sleep. Said he didn’t want to sleep in his room because he wanted to make sure she was okay. She smiled, setting him down in the bed and tucking him in. During dinner, she had explained his dad wasn’t coming back home to live with both of them anymore. It left one question lingering in his mind for the next couple of hours, and when they were both situated on the mattress he whispered it ever so gently.

  
“Mommy?”

  
“What’s wrong, Evan?”

  
“You’re not... It’s okay if you want to, but, are you going too? I- In one of the big trucks? Because I’m sure Jared’s mommies would be able to take care of me if you wanted to, and I want you to be happy.”

  
“Oh, Evan...” she whispered, pulling him close. “Mommy’s not leaving. Not now, not ever. I promise you, okay? You understand, sweetie? Mommy’s not going anywhere, she’s staying right here no matter what. I love you, baby.”

  
“Love you too, mommy” he said, yawning and staying close to her. People said he was a big boy now and that he shouldn’t have to sleep with his mom, but what they didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them.

  
Months later, towards the end of third grade, Evan found himself bouncing on his mom's bed to wake her up.

  
“Mom, Mom, Mom!” he shouted, tugging her arm. “You gotta get up! It’s my birthday!”

  
“I’m up, baby, I’m up!” she said, smiling as she rubbed her eyes and stretched. “Look at you! Nine years old, huh? Look at my little man,” she teased, messing up his curly hair. He scrunched up his nose, swatting her hand away.

  
“ _Moooooom,_ ” he groaned, standing on her bed and using the mirror on her bureau so he could fix his hair. She laughed a bit, stretching and kissing his head.

  
“Why don’t you go get dressed and I’ll make you pancakes?” she offered, knowing very well they were his favorite.

  
“With chocolate chips and blueberries?!”

  
“ _And_ whipped cream!”

  
He nodded eagerly, jumping off of the bed and racing into his room. Looking through his drawers, he picked a pair of shorts and his favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle t-shirt. Putting on his clothes, he made his way to the bathroom and brushed his teeth. After rinsing his mouth, he made his way into the kitchen and hugged his mom gently. She nearly dropped batter on him in her moment of surprise, smiling when she realized it was just him. She tapped his nose gently, setting out a placemat mat for him to eat over. He thanked her, sitting down and eating the pancakes happily.

  
“They’re really good!” he exclaimed around a mouth full of food.

  
“I’m glad you like them, baby. But you gotta hurry, okay? I have to go to work after I drop you off so we can have a special birthday dinner!”

  
He nodded, trying to finish them as quick as possible. When he was done, he brought his dirty dish to the sink, setting it down gently. He grabbed his backpack, waiting at the door while his mom put on her shoes. When she was done, they went out to the car, hand in hand. Climbing into the backseat, he buckled up as his mom turned on the engine. He looked out the window as they backed out of the driveway, watching the scenery pass by as they drove towards the elementary school. When they got to the parent drop off spot, he unbuckled himself, leaning forward and kissing his mom's cheek before racing inside. He met up with his best friend Jared at the cafeteria every morning, and Jared had promised him the coolest present ever!

  
When he spotted the boy, he waved happily. He walked over quickly, careful to avoid the other students. Often times his teachers would leave comments on his report cards saying he was shy in a classroom, but his mom told him it was nothing to worry about. When he got over to Jared, they gave each other a high-five, sitting at their normal table in the corner of the cafeteria.

  
“Alright, Ev! Ready for the bestest most coolest present _ever?!_ ” Jared exclaimed, a huge grin on his face. Evan nodded eagerly, bouncing in his seat. Jared opened his backpack, taking out a birthday bag and placing it in front of Evan. He quickly took out the tissue paper, setting it to the side so he wouldn’t make a mess. Reaching his hand into the bag, he pulled out a copy of the newest Spider Man comic. He gasped, looking at the cover in awe.

  
“It’s signed by Stan Lee!” he shouted, face reddening when he felt some students look over at their table. He kept his voice a bit lower, still making sure to show how grateful he was. “I— thank you, Jare! This is _so_ cool!”

  
“Uh, duh?! Momma was all like, ‘Oh, Jared! Get Evan this video game!’” he snorted as Jared pitched his voice. “So I was all like, ‘No! Evan likes to read! We read comic books together all the time!’, and then we found that and I knew you would want it!”

  
He smiled, putting the comic back into the bag with the tissue paper so it wouldn’t get damaged. They both stood up, making their way to class together. When they sat down at their table in the back, Evan smiled at the teacher politely. Jared said he thought the teacher was a big poopy head because he gave him a bad grade, but Evan told him if he studied he would’ve done better. He liked Mr. Winn, he was kind and funny and never pressured Evan into talking if he didn’t want to.

  
“Evan, it says here it’s your birthday!” the teacher said, kneeling down next to the boys and smiling. Evan nodded happily, putting his bag down on the ground gently.

  
“Ev is nine years old now!” Jared said, taking out his pencil case.

  
“Is that so?” the teacher asked, Evan nodding in response. “Well, happy birthday, kid. I hope your birthday wish comes true.”

  
Evan thanked him, setting up his stuff for class. He couldn’t tell anyone his birthday wish, because then it wouldn’t come true, but it was special. He had been hoping for it since last year. For his birthday, Evan wanted to go to the zoo with his dad. He knew since he didn’t tell anyone, the birthday magic would work!

  
Hours later, he waited at the parent pick-up line with Jared. They always went to each other’s houses on their birthdays to sleep over, and his Mum had promised to bring over Jared’s clothes later. When he saw his mom's car pull up, he held Jared’s arm and pulled him over happily.

  
“Hi Heidi! Mum said she would be over at four” Jared said, climbing in and buckling up next to Evan.

  
“That should be fine, honey” she replied, pulling out of the school lot. “How was my little guy’s day?” she asked, looking at Evan through the rear view mirror. Evan shrugged, smiling and looking out the window. Jared punched his arm gently, whispering something in his ear. He shook his head, laughing quietly. Heidi raised an eyebrow at the gesture, deciding not to question it yet.

  
When they pulled up to the driveway, Evan was slightly disappointed to see it empty. He shook his head, not letting his spirits get weighed down. It obviously just meant his dad was trying to be sneaky. He was probably going to come later so he could surprise him in the living room! He got out of the car, waiting for his mom to unlock the door to the house. He was surprised when she handed him a blue envelope with a sad smile. He looked at it curiously, turning it over and opening it up. Inside was a birthday card with “Happy Birthday Son!” written on the cover. He felt his face heat up slightly, and he opened the card.

  
“ _Happy Birthday, Ev! A whole nine years, huh? Hope you get this card in time, and hope the day is filled with magic._

 _  
Love, dad._ ”

  
He turned the card over. Nothing on the back.

  
He looked up at his mom, trying to find comfort, but he found her wearing the same expression. He felt Jared put his hand on his shoulder, but he ran inside to his room and shut the door. He saw a picture of him and his dad at the park, framed and sitting on his bookshelf. He took it down, putting it under his bed. He didn’t think he could handle seeing any pictures of him for a while.

  
A bit over a year later, him and Jared were sitting under a tree after school together. That day, they were graduating the fourth grade. His mom had forced him to send an invitation to his dad, saying he would be upset if he wasn’t there. He knew she was right, but when he received a letter back saying he had a surprise for him, he wasn’t too happy.

  
“Maybe he got you a dog?” Jared suggested. He shook his head, inspecting a leaf carefully.

  
“He’s allergic” he responded lamely. For a while, they both sat quietly, but a quiet sniffle from Evan made Jared turn his head.

  
“Hey— no, c’mon, Evan. Don’t cry! Your dad’s coming, right? That’s what’s important! Who cares about some stupid surprise?” Jared tried, frowning a bit when a tear slipped down Evans face. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a tissue (because allergies are evil and he has to carry around a small pack) and handed it to Evan. The other boy smiled a bit, thanking him quietly and wiping his eyes. They sat there until the teacher said they had to come inside to practice, both boys separating to go to their individual classrooms.

  
Later, when Evans name was called, he went up to get his small diploma. He heard the Kleinman’s and his mom yell. He swore he heard other voices too, but he couldn’t figure them out. When he stopped by the edge of the stage for photos like they were told, he locked eyes on his dad with another women and a small child. He nearly tripped down the stairs, trying to get to his mom so fast.

  
He would never forget that night. He had slept in the living room with his mom, ignoring the ringing of the house phone and the voicemails from his dad trying to explain. He didn’t want to hear about his dad's new family. He didn’t want to know about his little sibling and his sibling on the way. He wanted to know why he wasn’t good enough to begin with, why he had to leave and replace him and his mom like they never mattered.

  
Years later, he found himself sitting at lunch with Jared and one of his friends. Although, he said they weren’t really friends. Used the word acquaintance. The boys name was Connor Murphy, and apparently he had a little sister in the grade below them. They were in the eighth grade, making his sister (was it Chloe?) a seventh grader. He was surprised when Alana Beck and another girl sat with them. He shifted slightly closer to Jared, ignoring the way he rolled his eyes. He didn’t, however, ignore the way that Connors entire figure seemed to go stiff. He watched the boy stand up suddenly, taking his lunch tray with him as he went to the trash. The random girl got up, following after him.

  
“Connor! You can’t be mad forever!”

  
“Fucking watch me, Zoe!”

  
Zoe. His little sister's name was Zoe.

  
The entirety of middle school went by in a blur. Nothing memorable really happened (he didn’t even want to think about his mess of a bar mitzvah), and Evan was more focused on getting home without embarrassing himself everyday. At that point, his mom had taken up a lot more shifts at work. She also started up school again, finally going to be a paralegal. When eighth grade graduation came around, he didn’t have the heart to ask her to take the day off. He knew not to expect his dad to even send a card.

  
Freshman orientation came around and he was more stressed than he had ever been in his life. For years teachers had been saying, “we’re preparing you for high school!” and “you can’t get away with this in high school!”, but he didn’t feel ready in any way. His homeroom was full of people he hadn’t spoken to since the fifth grade and when he texted Jared to ask about his class schedule the only ones they had together were Spanish and Honors Algebra and Geometry (he had told Evan signing up for an honors math class was like a big “fuck you!” to their third grade teacher).

  
At the end of the night, he sighed, going to meet up with Jared for a ride home. He smiled politely at his moms, letting out a quiet greeting and thanking them for the ride. He was staying at the Kleinman’s house that night since his mom had taken some night classes and wouldn’t be home until late. They had taken up a tradition of sleepovers for whenever the occasion came up, but he knew they would stop during the school year. He just wasn’t sure how he would be able to handle it.

  
Lately, his mom had been telling him how he was a “man” now and he needed to “do things for yourself, Evan!”. He couldn’t explain why, but some nights he just couldn’t bring himself to. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, he did! He didn’t exactly feel like going to bed on an empty stomach, but he saw the money on the counter and couldn’t help but think about everything that could go wrong. What if it was their last $20? What if the pizza delivery guy was a murderer? What if he made fun of their house because it was so small? Don’t even get him started about talking on the phone.

  
He sighed, stepping out of the car when they parked in the driveway. Once the door was unlocked, he stepped inside and slid off his shoes. He wasn’t sure when going to the Kleinman’s began to feel like more of a chore than a treat, but every time he stepped inside he had to put on a fake smile. Everything he did there began to feel forced. Every interaction, every movement, every small detail.

  
He went to the bathroom to change into his nightclothes. Another thing that had changed. When he took off his shirt, he noticed he seemed a lot thinner than he used to. He knew it had to do with the lack of eating, but even when food was around he couldn’t help but feel sick if he took more than two bites. He sighed, putting on a sweatshirt and sweatpants before making his way to Jared’s room. Knocking gently, he waited for Jared to tell him he was good to come in. When the response finally came, he stepped inside and shut the door quietly.

  
This was the point where Jared would play video games and Evan would read quietly. It was no longer together, not for two years. They had stopped _really_ hanging out when Jared decided he wanted to be cool. For a while, Evan tried with him, but he inevitably found out that socializing wasn’t really his thing. After he went back to being quieter, Jared got mad at him for a month and refused to talk. Now, they only talked because they had to. Evan was pretty sure it was so Jared could get whatever he wanted from his moms, but he didn’t dare bring it up.

  
Once Jared turned off his TV, Evan knew it was time to sleep. He closed his book, putting it in his overnight bag and setting up a blanket and pillow on the floor. Another thing they didn’t they didn’t do anymore; share a bed. Once the lights were off, he laid down, letting sleep overtake his body.

  
Two weeks into school and he was already at the counselors office.

  
Truth be told, Evan didn’t want to go. The nurse had insisted after his fourth visit to her office that week, tears rolling down his cheeks. He could never exactly pinpoint what had made him upset, but being in the classrooms was far too overwhelming and he knew he needed out. He sat in the office quietly, very well aware of the eyes studying him, but not daring to look up to meet them. Eye contact had always felt too intimate to Evan, made him feel like people could find out his deepest, darkest fears just by one glance. Generally, he tried to avoid situations where he would have to go through that.

  
He heard the counselor sigh, making him fold in on himself more. This was the part where he got the speech. The speech where he was told that now that he was in high school, he couldn’t cry all the time. He had to grow up and deal with class just like everyone else did. He felt tears form in the corner of his eyes, and quickly he wiped them away.

  
“Evan, from what I’ve heard, it seems as though oftentimes you’re feeling too overwhelmed to handle regular tasks. Would you agree?” the lady asked, and he nodded a bit. “I’m not giving it a label now, but I think, if you want, that I should call your mother and tell her. Possibly recommend a therapist for you. Would that be okay?”

  
Picking at his cuticles, Evan considered the possible outcomes. The lady could call his mom, resulting in him getting a therapist and getting the help he needed. It could also result in his mom hating him forever and giving him up for adoption for always being so needy. Maybe she would even send him off to live with his dad. He shuddered, knowing those thoughts were irrational. Slowly, he nodded his head, repeating that the worse that could happen was his mom would say no.

  
One phone call later and he was waiting for his mom to pick him up from Dr. Sherman’s office with a folded up prescription for Zoloft.

  
They had gone through trial and error for a while. Testing different dosages to see what worked best. They ended up increasing it twice before Evan made it through a day without breaking down once. With medicine and bi-weekly therapy, he finally felt as though surviving the day was achievable. It continued like that for a while, too, but as most good things do, it eventually came to an end.

  
Evan was now sixteen, sitting in his junior AP Science class next to Alana Beck when he finally concluded that actively wanting to down a bottle of bleach for the last month wasn’t exactly a normal thought. He looked down at the paper, not really feeling up to finishing their lab. Letting out a sigh, he placed down his pencil, cracking his knuckles and putting his face in his hands.

  
“Evan? What’s wrong?”

  
He looked over to Alana, trying to think of a response. What do you tell someone you barely know when you’re in the middle of a depressive episode?

  
“It’s um... w- well, I don’t want to bother you... it’s just- well, s- sometimes, I feel really unmotivated?” Evan began. Alana gave him a questioning look, and he quickly tried to cover up. “B- But I obviously don’t want t- to leave you with all the work! T- That would be so uncool, right? It’s uh— I mean, I can do it at home? And send you the answers! B- Because I’m being so annoying and all. I won’t even tell the teacher-” his rambling was cut off by a gentle hand on his shoulder.

  
“Evan,” she began, her voice calm. “You don’t have to do that. You don’t even have to finish the work right now if you want. Take as much time as you need and if you have anything you need help with tonight, just text me. You have my instagram, right?” He nodded, bouncing his leg quickly and biting his lip. “Good! So you can just direct message me there” she finished, an assuring smile on her face. He nodded again, wiping his hands on his pants.

  
When the bell rang at the end of the period, Evan quickly thanked Alana before rushing outside. Science was his last period of the day, and lucky for him it was one of the days where his mom had a period of time between work and class that she could pick him up. When he spotted her car, he got inside and buckled up, setting his bag by his feet. She smiled, beginning to pull out, allowing him time to process how he wanted to bring up the situation. Taking a deep breath, he let it all out.

  
“ThisisreallybadanIdon’twanttomakeyouupsetbutIthinkweneedtochangemymedicinedosage-

-againI’msosorrypleasedon’thateme—”

  
They pulled up to a red light, his mom turning to face him with a confused expression. “Could you repeat that, sweetie? Maybe slower this time?” He nodded, face red as he looked down at his lap.

  
“I- I don’t want to make you upset— but, I think... well, we n- need to change my medicine dosage again? B- Because it’s not working— I just, _I tried,_ Mom. I gave it a whole month...” he said, trailing off towards the end.

  
“Evan, honey, it’s okay. We’ll tell Dr. Sherman at your next appointment. Is that okay? I mean, I can call her now if you want-”

  
“No! I mean- it can wait. Until then. Y- Yeah.”

  
They upped his dosage twice, changing his appointments to every week and starting him on antidepressants.

It was now early into the summer, and Evan was working as an assistant park ranger at Ellison State Park. Dr. Sherman has suggested the job, saying it didn’t require him to speak to too many people and that he would enjoy it. Reluctantly he had agreed to apply, and he had been accepted after a quick interview. Many times he would spend his lunch break under a tree, sometimes climbing one afterwards to admire the view. Today was no different. Once he finished his gala apple, he hoisted himself up slowly, branch after branch until he was at least forty feet in the air.

  
The view was spectacular.

  
He leaned against the trunk, drinking in the warm summer air and watching the birds fly about. He always loved nature, loved the sense of calmness it gave him. He swung his feet back and forth, humming to himself quietly. Looking around, he noted that he must’ve went out a bit further than usual. He couldn’t see anyone close by (not that it bothered him), leaving him with only the sounds of nature. He looked downward at the space he had just been sitting not even minutes earlier. Every time Evan climbed up on one of the trees, he had a passing thought about a quick way down. He always shook his head, knowing he shouldn’t dare. Yet, looking at the patch of grass, he couldn’t help but wonder.

  
It was a bit of a breezy day, he knew if he wasn’t careful he could fall. Shaking his head, he began his trek down. Left foot, right foot, mechanical movements. When he was two branches down, he looked at his feet. During late nights when he couldn’t sleep, he often thought about different ways in which he could pass. He always wondered which way would be the least painful. Now, as his grip loosened, he wondered, _when you’re falling in a forest and there’s nobody around, do you ever really crash or even make a sound?_

  
He opened his eyes slowly, groaning at the pounding headache and the blinding lights. He tried to cover his face with his arm, surprised when he felt a rough material instead. Pulling it away ever so slightly, he was met with a bright white cast. His mouth formed a small “oh” and he let the arm fall back to his side gently. If he had to be completely honest, every piece of his body hurt like a _fucking bitch._ He felt a hand hold his un-injured one, turning to come face to face with his mom.

  
“Evan, what happened? Your boss said- oh god... he said he found you at the bottom of a tree unconscious, sweetie-”

  
He flinched at her words. At least a little kid didn’t find him.

  
“I...” his throat felt scratchy, a painful reminder to serve as a reminder for another failure in his lifetime. “I- I just... slipped and fell, Mom. It was so windy out. Sorry...”

  
He fell back asleep to his mom making him promise never to scare her like that again.

  
It was now halfway through his first day of senior year, and despite his moms insistence earlier that morning, it wasn’t a good day. Not a good day, not a good week, not a good month, and most certainly not a good year. It probably never would be, because why would it be? He looked at his blank cast, the clean surface taunting him. Laughing at him like everyone else because he was just stupid Evan Hansen who couldn’t even kill himself right. Maybe if he was just a part of something, maybe if everything was different, then it would all be alright. Maybe _he_ would be alright. He was startled by the door to the computer lab opening, turning and coming face to face with an awkward Connor Murphy. The other boy cleared his throat, scratching the back of his neck.

  
“So... how did you break your arm?”

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to leave comments on your opinion! If you couldn’t tell, this was kind of a vent fic lmao. Blame my friend Paulina, she encouraged it.


End file.
